Charting the course…sort of.

In the few days that I’ve been at this I’ve already covered much of the textbook stuff. You know, I want to do this, I wish I did that…likes and dislikes. Some of that is productive and some is fun but certainly not life changing by any means. We can revisit some of that stuff along the way but only in small doses.

Before we get too far into this process I think it might be good idea to chart the course just a little bit. Now, I’m not saying just point the ship at the horizon and sail in a straight line forever…not much sense in that at all. At the same time, hop-skipping all over the place isn’t a great way to go either so I would like to offer a little navigation here. Granted, I do have a fair amount of ground to cover but I want things to flow a little bit at least.

As you might have gleaned from the name of this blog, there could be three distinct areas of focus and you would be correct. The “then” portion is obviously the past. There are a few stories that I’d like to share from the past, some fun, some not so fun. We all have a past and as much as we all might think that ours is the most interesting of all, it’s not. One fact still remains though, sometimes reflecting on the past may then allow you to better focus on the here and now more effectively. In my case, it might be worth a shot so we’re gonna complain a little, joke a little, then close the book on it. The “now” part is just as obvious and that may include any number of ideas and stories of the present. A little tip here, at present I am kinda of at a crossroads but we’ll get into that soon enough. Lastly, the “tomorrow” part. Ah yes, the future, the journey I’ve hinted about. Well, that’s coming…

So, yeah, I’m going to jump around a bit but this is the general direction of things. Enough of that, let’s get to it.

Couldn’t really blame him…

The years after dad left were a bit of a rough ride. We were young and some of those months between say age 8 and 10 are a little fuzzy for me. Partly because I was pretty young and partly because you tend to block out times that suck.

Dad left with our only car. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, so there was no income. So how did we survive in a simple but nice 3 bedroom house in a nice little neighborhood for the better part of 10 years? Well, let me just say that there were some days where we did get some “normal” mixed in, mostly when my grandparents came to rescue the 3 of us kids for the weekend but the rest of the time it was like a cross between a Kathy Bates flik and the Shining. You see, what we soon discovered after dad bolted was that mom was more of a nut case than we originally thought. I’ll be talking more about that later but my point here is, even though dad took off and left us with pretty much nothing, I still to this day can’t really blame him. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my days over the years where I would think, what a complete jerk, but you know when we saw first hand what he was up against dealing with my mother, you really can’t blame him too much…she turned out to be an violent and unpredictable whacko.

To this day my sister and I still joke about how dad was lucky to get out when he did and how if we could have left her behind we would’ve done the same thing.

Anyway, the 10 years that followed (age 8 to 18) were a combination of many things; anxiety, turmoil, fear, poverty, fun, emotion, sadness, learning, regret and even some thankfulness. All families experience much of these characteristics so we weren’t so special by any means, we just happened to do it with a person who was evil. We’ll save some of those stories for the days ahead.

Oh, one more thing…God bless our grandparents for helping us over the years. There is no way we would have survived without their love and devotion to us. She put them through hell on many occasion and they just kept coming back to help us in spite of mom’s abusive behavior toward them. I miss you both very much!

Things I won’t ever do or tell someone but wish that I had…

Tell her she was right.
You almost had me in checkmate.
It was the best day I ever had.
I fell asleep while driving.
I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserved.
Trade the car in before it crapped out.
You saved me from failing again.
I missed you even though you were wrong.
I really didn’t want peppers on my pizza.
I still have the trophy you left behind.
I always admired your skills.
I’m thankful for you having me over for dinner.
I really wanted you to hire me.
You taught me a lot about life and I didn’t thank you when we were watching the game.
I only kissed you because you cried.
Thank you for taking care of him, you are a saint.
You were a coward but I won’t tell anyone that you are.
I moved away because crazy neighbors worry me.
I knew that you were sick but never asked how you were.

This process continues so please bare with me.

More of these to follow as well.

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Things I will never do…

I will never forget the the 9/11 disaster.
I will never encourage my children to do the wrong thing.
I will never admit to an overweight person that they are overweight.
I will never experiment with drugs.
I will never tell the priest at our church how I really feel.
I will never be ungrateful again for what I have.
I will never smoke cigarettes.
I will never stop missing my father.

I’m going through a process here so bare with me.

More of this to follow…

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Things I really want to do…

This isn’t a bucket list, just a few things I want to get right.

I want to be a better father.
I want to make furniture.
I want to find a way to make the headaches less frequent.
I want to be more patient.
I want to not over prepare for everything I do…just wing it once in a while.
I want to live in the country.
I want to take better pictures.
I want to be able to age with dignity…no nursing home.
I want to forgive people so I can be more relaxed.

Again, please forgive this process I am navigating through…more of this at a later date.

Posted from WordPress for Android while driving at a high rate of speed…

I was born at a very early age…

I was raised in a small home in a rural setting with my sister and brother. My parents grew up in a nearby city which is where we were born but then we moved to the country before I was of school age.

I grew up in a time when fun was riding your bicycle and playing baseball. There were days when we hardly even got off of our bikes. We would literally ride around in circles in the street out in front of our house as we talked and joked around for hours. My father first taught me how to play catch with a baseball and glove when I was a young boy. At 8 years old I played my first season in the municipal little league and the night before each game I stayed awake for hours thinking about that Saturday morning game…some of the best memories I have ever had in my entire life.

Shortly after the end of that first season, on a brisk fall morning, my dad loaded up a few milk crates full of his tools into the back of our station wagon and went to work. That evening he never returned. The next day, the day after that and the day after that, he still never came home. Our mother really didn’t have much to say but even at an early age we knew what had happened, we knew he was gone.